Fresh Memoirs
May 7th, 2008 No comments
My 2 year old has just finished her memoir?
She’s looking for someone to publish it, but I have to be honest, I don’t support her.
She’s included some very intimate details about our relationship and household, most of which are highly exaggerated. She claims that I would go on alcohol binges up to 5 times a week. this suggests that I’m drunk for 5 out of 7 days, and it’s just not true. I’m only drunk for maybe 10 hours at a time, 12 tops.
She also claims that the Tupperware parties I host monthly are just a cover for a drug trafficking business. It’s not my fault that Tupperware makes the ideal containers for keeping your product fresh. I’m trying to make some money here, and I’m not being picky about who buys from me.
Anyway, here’s the question. If she does end up getting this book published, is the money she earns automatically hers even though she’s only 2? Do you think I’ll end up in prison? And if I do, will they let me sell Tupperware?
I think we all know the answer to the question that clueless has posed.
I have seen the draft of the memoirs and the first thing that struck me was that it was written in two styles of handwriting. The first was in pen, the second in crayon which I presumed to be your daughters. However, on forensic analysis the crayon writing appears to closely match the threatening letters that you wrote to Judas Rabbi over the infamous sexual favours scandal. The paper also contained traces of Tupperware, motile sperm and smelled strongly of urine.
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| | Sun Fresh World Bedding – Gray – 975 cubic inch $7.99 Sun Fresh World Bedding is the green solution for a clean critter habitat. Made of pelletized recycled newspapers and magazines, the high density, highly absorbent litter contains baking soda for optimal odor control. Fresh world bedding is phenol-free, color safe and non-toxic with a natural grey hue. |
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| | Magic Coat – Fresh Essence Creme Rinse – 16 oz. $4.99 Four Paws Magic Coat Fresh Essence Cr?me Rinse will relieve mat and tangle concerns from your beloved pet’s coat while providing a wonderful scent. For best results, use with Magic Coat Fresh Essences Shampoo.247140 |
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| | Fresh Flow Fountain – Deluxe – Jumbo – White – 6.7 qt./ 216 oz. $43.99 The Deluxe Fresh Flow Fountain is a state of the art automatic purifying waterer for your pets. Pets love fresh flowing water. The Fresh Flow Fountain adds oxygen to the water, cools the water naturally, reduces bacteria and filters the water. It features a replaceable charcoal filter that will filter the water and remove contaminants.The fountain has a large 216 ounce water capacity with a translucent reservoir for water monitoring. The Deluxe Fresh Flow has a large capacity for multiple pets. The ramp reduces splashing and quiets running water. The non-skid rubber feet keep the fountain stable. It also features an on/off switch with a low voltage safety system and a flow control lever. The Fresh Flow Fountain is UL Listed.The Deluxe Fresh Flow Fountain includes a water ramp, water reservoir, two charcoal filter, filter reservoir, bowl base, pump with an in-line on/off switch on the power cord, and suction cups. Size: Fountain is 17.4″ x 11.4″ x 8″ high. |
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| | Dogit Fresh and Clear Drinking Fountain Replacement Filters – 3 pk. $4.99 Replacement cartridges for the Dogit Fresh and Clear Drinking Fountain. Carbon granules remove impurities from water. Poly outer-sandwich traps debris. Cartridges last approximately three weeks. |
| | Adventure Medical Fresh Bath Body Wipes $4.95 When the nearest shower is many miles away, use the Adventure Medical Kits Fresh Bath Body Wipes to wash from head to toe. Packaged in a resealable bag, this package of 8 biodegradable wipes contain Aloe Vera to moisturize the skin, and a gentle and non-irritating rinse-free formula for a fresh, clean feeling. |
| | Columbia Women’s So Fresh Long Sleeve Tee $35.95 Relax at the neighborhood bbq or in the hammock in your own backyard when you’re wearing the Columbia Women’s So Fresh Long Sleeve Tee. |
| | Fresh n Clean Pet Cologne – Baby Powder – 6 oz. $4.99 For a fresh, clean-smelling dog in between groomings Fresh ‘n Clean cologne drops are made using fragrance technology unique among pet deodorants. Just a few drops on a pet and the scent spreads from head to tail. It leaves a pet pleasantly scented up to a week and simply nicer to have around, particularly between baths. They are great for fidgety pets that shy away from hissing aerosols or pump spray mists. |
| | Fresh n Clean Shampoo – Oatmeal and Baking Soda – 18 oz. $4.79 A wholesome approach to pet grooming. Fresh ‘n Clean Oatmeal and Baking Soda shampoo is a great way to keep your pet’s coat clean and lush. All-natural ingredients, including oatmeal, real Arm and Hammer baking soda, aloe vera, and the most gentle of cleansers will soothe your pet’s skin and add shine and lustre to fur. To top it all off, it leaves your pet smelling fresh and feeling great. Size: 18 oz. |
| | Fresh Flow Fountain – Deluxe – Medium – White – 50 oz. $24.99 The Deluxe Fresh Flow Fountain is a state of the art automatic purifying waterer for your pets. Pets love fresh flowing water. The Fresh Flow Fountain adds oxygen to the water, cools the water naturally, reuduces bacteria and filters the water. It features a replaceable charcoal filter that will filter the water and remove contaminants. The charcoal filter should be replaced every 60-90 days for usage by one animal. The fountain has a large 50 ounce water capacity with a translucent reservoir for water monitoring. The ramp reduces splashing and quiets running water. The non-skid rubber feet keep the fountain stable. It also features an on/off switch with a low voltage safety system and a flow control lever. The Fresh Flow Fountain is UL Listed. The Fresh Flow Fountain includes a water ramp, water reservoir, two charcoal filter, filter reservoir, bowl base, pump with an in-line on/off switch on the power cord, and suction cups. Size: Fountain is 13.5″ x 9″ x 7″ high. |
| | Dkny Delicious Fresh Blossom Perfume by Donna Karan Eau De Parfum Spray 3.3 Oz / 100 Ml $62.99 Dkny Delicious Fresh Blossom perfume by Donna Karan, 3.3 oz Eau De Parfum Spray / 100 Ml. |
| | Sexual Fresh Cologne by Michel Germain Eau De Toilette Spray 4.2 Oz / 125 Ml $57.74 Sexual Fresh cologne by Michel Germain, 4.2 oz Eau De Toilette Spray / 125 Ml. |
| | Cedrat Perfume by Roger & Gallet Eau Fraiche Parfume / Fresh Fragrant Water Spray 6.6 Oz / 200 Ml ( Citron ) $41.99 Cedrat perfume by Roger & Gallet, 6.6 oz Eau Fraiche Parfume / Fresh Fragrant Water Spray / 200 Ml ( Citron ). |
| | M7 FRESH Cologne by Yves Saint Laurent, EAU DE TOILETTE SPRAY 1.6 oz / 50 ml for Men $36.74 M7 Fresh cologne by Yves Saint Laurent, 1.6 oz Eau De Toilette Spray / 50 Ml. |
| | Z Zegna Cologne by Ermenegildo Zegna Fresh Eau De Toilette Spray 3.3 Oz Fraicheur $41.99 Z Zegna cologne by Ermenegildo Zegna, 3.3 oz Fresh Eau De Toilette Spray Fraicheur. |
| | VERY IRRESISTIBLE FRESH ATTITUDE Cologne by Givenchy, EAU DE TOILETTE SPRAY 3.3 oz / 100 ml for Men $41.99 Very Irresistible Fresh Attitude cologne by Givenchy, 3.3 oz Eau De Toilette Spray / 100 Ml. |
| | Dkny Delicious Fresh Blossom Perfume by Donna Karan Eau De Parfum Spray 1.7 Oz / 50 Ml Unboxed $36.74 Dkny Delicious Fresh Blossom perfume by Donna Karan, 1.7 oz Eau De Parfum Spray / 50 Ml Unboxed. |
| | Adidas Sport Fever Cologne by Adidas 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray 150 Ml / 97g $6.29 Adidas Sport Fever cologne by Adidas, 150 ml 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray / 97g. |
| | M7 Fresh Cologne by Yves Saint Laurent Eau De Toilette Spray 3.4 Oz / 100 Ml Tester $45.14 M7 Fresh cologne by Yves Saint Laurent, 3.4 oz Eau De Toilette Spray / 100 Ml Tester. |
| | Sexual Fresh Cologne by Michel Germain Eau De Toilette Spray 2.5 Oz / 75 Ml $45.14 Sexual Fresh cologne by Michel Germain, 2.5 oz Eau De Toilette Spray / 75 Ml. |
| | Clean Shower Fresh Perfume by Dlish Eau De Parfum Spray 2.14 Oz $47.24 Clean Shower Fresh perfume by Dlish, 2.14 oz Eau De Parfum Spray. |
| | VERY IRRESISTIBLE FRESH ATTITUDE Cologne by Givenchy, EAU DE TOILETTE SPRAY 1.7 oz / 50 ML for Men $35.69 Very Irresistible Fresh Attitude cologne by Givenchy, 1.7 oz Eau De Toilette Spray / 50 Ml. |
| | COOL WATER ICE FRESH Cologne by Zino Davidoff, EAU DE TOILETTE SPRAY 4.2 oz / 125 ml for Men $38.84 Cool Water Ice Fresh cologne by Zino Davidoff, 4.2 oz Eau De Toilette Spray / 125 Ml. |
| | Adidas Dynamic Pulse Cologne by Adidas 24 Hr Fresh Power Cooling Body Spray 4.0 Oz $6.29 Adidas Dynamic Pulse cologne by Adidas, 4.0 oz 24 Hr Fresh Power Cooling Body Spray. |
| | Adidas Game Spirit Cologne by Adidas 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray 150 Ml / 97g $6.29 Adidas Game Spirit cologne by Adidas, 150 ml 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray / 97g. |
| | Adidas Team Force Cologne by Adidas 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray 150 Ml / 97g $6.29 Adidas Team Force cologne by Adidas, 150 ml 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray / 97g. |
| | Adidas Victory League Cologne by Adidas 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray 150 Ml / 97g $6.29 Adidas Victory League cologne by Adidas, 150 ml 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray / 97g. |
| | Adidas Ice Dive Cologne by Adidas 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray 150 Ml / 97g $6.29 Adidas Ice Dive cologne by Adidas, 150 ml 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray / 97g. |
| | Adidas Dynamic Pulse Cologne by Adidas 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray 150 Ml / 97g $6.29 Adidas Dynamic Pulse cologne by Adidas, 150 ml 24 Hr Fresh Power Deo Body Spray / 97g. |
| | Mars Flavia Jasmine Fresh Leaf Tea $9.99 0% 0% Antioxidants in this tea help to neutralize free radicals Make this tea part of your healthy lifestyle Tea A146RPK www.mars.com Flavia Fresh Leaf and Herbal Teas are designed for use with Mars Flavia Drinks Stations. Single-serve packs are individually wrapped and ready to use. 15 / Box Mars, Inc Flavia Jasmine Fresh Leaf Tea Mars Box Green Tea No No 0.10 oz |
| | 3M O-Cel-O Stay Fresh Sponge $3.99 Cleaning Scrub Sponge 7274-T www.3m.com O-Cel-O Stay Fresh Sponge contains a patented antimicrobial that helps the sponge resist bacterial odors, killing odor-causing germs and bacteria in the sponge. Sponge resists staining and crumbling from mildew and frequent use. Ideal for household cleaning tasks. 4 / Pack Assorted Resist Staining Resists Odors 3M O-Cel-O Stay Fresh Sponge O-Cel-O 3M No 0% 0% No |
| | Pactiv Hefty Tall Kitchen Fresh Trash Bag $10.99 Kitchen Trash Bag 13 gal E81549 www.pactiv.com Hefty Tall Kitchen Fresh Trash Bags are lightly scented with citrus base fragrance to neutralize common odors associated with everyday trash can usage. Use drawstring for easy closure. 40 / Box 0.90 mil Thickness White Drawstring Closure Pactiv Corporation Hefty Tall Kitchen Fresh Trash Bag Pactiv No 0% 0% No |
| | Clorox ReadyMop Fresh Scent Floor Cleaner $4.99 Liquid Solution Hard Surface Wood Floor Cleaner 14902 www.thecloroxcompany.com ReadyMop Floor Cleaner Refill is designed as a refill for the Clorox ReadyMop system. Because it fits on board, you don’t have to fill a bucket with water or mix your own solution. No rinsing required. Dissolves dirt and grease quickly. Great for tile, linoleum and wood floors. Fresh scent. 1 Each 2 lb Yellow Pleasant Scent The Clorox Company ReadyMop Floor Cleaner Clorox No 0% 0% No 24 fl oz Fresh |
| | Fresh n Clean Cat Litter Deodorizer – 20 oz. $3.99 If you’re like most cat owners, you’ve tried just about everything to stop litter odor. This product contains baking soda, which helps to effectively eliminate odor, while keeping litter 1st day fresh longer. |
| | Tropiclean Spray Cologne – Fresh Breeze – 8 oz. – 236 ml $8.99 Naturally green Tropiclean Spray Cologne keeps your pet’s coat conditioned, static free and smelling delightful between baths. It leaves a pet pleasantly scented lika a fresh tropical breeze for days when applied after a bath too. For use on dogs, cats, ferrets, hamsters, rabbits and other small animals. |
| | Fresh n Clean Shampoo – Baby Powder – 18 oz. $4.79 Best In Show condition. This shampoo not only cleans and conditions the hair but leaves it lustrous, manageable and smelling baby powder fresh for days. Aloe vera has also been added to soothe the skin. It has been formulated to match the pH of a pet’s skin and hair. Size: 18 oz. |
| | Fresh Air Bedding Trays – 18 in. x 12 in. – 2 pk $17.98 Change the bedding in your Fresh Air enclosure without disturbing your climbing pets with these handy trays. Two trays slide out independently simply by opening the acrylic door. Made of sturdy, leak-proof PVC for easy cleaning. Add to new or existing habitats with easy screwdriver assembly. |
| | TRUSSARDI UOMO FRESH Cologne by Trussardi, EAU DE TOILETTE SPRAY 3.4 oz / 100 ml for Men $31.49 Trussardi Uomo Fresh cologne by Trussardi, 3.4 oz Eau De Toilette Spray / 100 Ml. Launched by the design house of Trussardi in 1982, Trussardi Uomo is classified as a sharp, woody, arid fragrance. This masculine scent possesses a blend of a leathery fragrance, with fresh spices, flowers and warm wood-tone. It is recommended for daytime wear. |
| | Fresh White Musk Fantasy Perfume by Parfums de Coeur Fragrance Moisturizing Lotion Pack Of 3 X 7.0 Oz $14.69 Fresh White Musk Fantasy perfume by Parfums de Coeur, 7.0 oz Fragrance Moisturizing Lotion Pack Of 3 X. Blends the clean fresh natural scents of bright white florals with a mix of soft musks that creates a clean, fragrant freshness all over |
| | Kaz HY-047B Fresh Breeze Tower Fan $50.99 Remote Control with Flashlight 3 Speeds with LCD Display 12 Hour Timer with Auto Shut-Off Washable Filter Ionizer Floor Fan HY-047B www.kaz.com Oscillating Adjustable Height Kaz, Inc HY-047B HY-047B Fresh Breeze Tower Fan Kaz 3 |
| | Dunhill Fresh Sample by Alfred Dunhill, 2 ml Vial (sample) for Men $1.94 Dunhill Fresh Sample by Alfred Dunhill .06 oz Vial (sample) for MenDunhill Fresh By Alfred Dunhill Is Clean, Refreshing That Is Crisp, Refined Blend Of Masculine Notes. A Sharp Blend That Starts Off With Basil, Green Notes And Freesia, Then Blending Into Violet, Orris. Then Finishing Off With Cedarwood, Leather, Amber, Coumarin And Patchouli. |
| | Dunhill Fresh Sample by Alfred Dunhill, .06 oz Vial (sample) for Men $2.99 Dunhill Fresh Sample by Alfred Dunhill .06 oz Vial (sample) for MenDunhill Fresh By Alfred Dunhill Is Clean, Refreshing That Is Crisp, Refined Blend Of Masculine Notes. A Sharp Blend That Starts Off With Basil, Green Notes And Freesia, Then Blending Into Violet, Orris. Then Finishing Off With Cedarwood, Leather, Amber, Coumarin And Patchouli. |
| | Fresh n Clean Housebreaking Pad – 50 pk $16.99 The easy way to train your new pup. These scientifically treated pads give off a scent, detected only by dogs, which attracts them to the pads. The Pheromone treated absorbent filler draws the puppy to the pad. Plastic backing and four sealed sides help stop leakage and protect floors. Arm and Hammer Baking Soda helps overcome offensive, puppy waste odor. Size: The pad is 22.5″ x 22.5″. / 50 ct. |
| | Fresh n Clean Scented Shampoo – 18 oz. $4.79 This shampoo cleans away dirt and leaves a long-lasting fragrance that clings to the hair for up to 2 weeks. The pH balance is compatible with the natural pH balance of the pet’s skin and coat. This formula includes aloe vera to soothe the skin and extra conditioners to help make the coat shiny, manageable and free of mats and tangles. It all adds up to a pet that smells as great as it looks and feels, a pet you’ll be proud to call your best friend. Size: 18 oz. |
| | Fresh N Floss Bone – X-large – 15 in. $7.99 Have fun and floss at the same time This great rope toy is specially made with flouride and baking soda within the rope so that your dog is actually improving his teeth and breath as he plays 100 percent cotton Machine washable. Size: X-Large, 14″ |
| | Fresh Lab pH Low Test – 100 Tests $4.99 Any significant change in pH can be very detrimental to your fishes’ health. Check your pH often This pH test lab is specifically designed to measure lower pH levels, in discus, angel tanks, and others. Size: Performs 100 tests. |
| | Fresh Lab pH High Test – 100 Tests $4.99 Test pH often as even the slightest change can be very detrimental to the health of your fish. With Red Sea’s high range pH test lab for freshwater, you can get an accurate reading of your tank’s pH level, reading in the higer ranges, 7.5 and up. Great for cichlid tank testing. Size: Performs 100 tests. |
| | Fresh n Clean Housebreaking Pads – 30 pk $10.99 What a good dog! You’ll train your pup in no time. These scientifically treated pads give off a scent, detected only by dogs, which attracts them to the pads. The Pheromone treated absorbent filler draws the puppy to the pad. Plastic backing and four sealed sides help stop leakage and protect floors. Arm and Hammer Baking Soda helps overcome offensive, puppy waste odor. Size: The pad is 22.5″ x 22.5″. |
| | Fresh n Clean Housebreaking Pads – 14 pk $5.99 These scientifically treated pads give off a scent, detected only by dogs, which attracts them to the pads. The Pheromone treated absorbent filler draws the puppy to the pad. Plastic backing and four sealed sides help stop leakage and protect floors. Arm and Hammer Baking Soda helps overcome offensive, puppy waste odor. Size: The pad is 22.5″ x 22.5″. |
| | Fresh n Clean Oxy Pet Odor and Stain Eliminator – 32 oz. $6.99 The Stain and Odor Solution Fresh n Clean Oxy Pet liquid removes the toughest pet odors and stains forever. The baking soda deodorizers remove odors safely and effectively, the Oxy-Strength removes stains using a special oxygenation process which eliminates stains forever (When applied promptly as directed when an ordinary pet stain has occured). Do not use on wool, leather or silk. |
| | Fresh Air Screen Habitat – 18 in. x 12 in. x 20 in. $38.99 It’s like they’re living in a real forest canopy! Reptiles love these Screened Fresh Air Habitats. Ideal for chameleons and other tree-dwelling creatures, each habitat is crafted of tough black mesh that your pets can’t damage. Sturdy aluminum frame is designed for years of use, and PVC bottoms allow for easy cleaning. Also includes an easy and convenient cord port for wiring or power accessories. |
| | Clorox Fresh Scent Disinfecting Wipe – Wipe – Green $3.99 Hard Surface Glass Mirror Surface Cleaner 01593EA www.thecloroxcompany.com Clorox Disinfecting Wipes easily clean and disinfect hard surfaces. Premoistened wipes are ready to use and disposable after one use. Simply wipe and let sit for 30 seconds to sanitize or 4 minutes to disinfect. Thick textured wipes deliver a low-streak formula for use on shiny surfaces like glass and mirrors. Kill 99.9 percent of germs including viruses that cause colds and flu (Rhinovirus and Influenza A2). Effective against common bacteria such as Staphylococcus aureus (Staph.), Salmonella enterica, and E.coli. Airtight canister package keeps wipes moist and dispenses wipes one at a time. 1 / Each 10.40 oz Green Pleasant Scent – Fresh Disinfectant Pre Moistened The Clorox Company Disinfecting Wipe Clorox No 0% 0% No Wipe Fresh |
| | DUNHILL FRESH Cologne by Alfred Dunhill, EAU DE TOILETTE SPRAY 3.4 oz / 100 ml for Men $36.74 Dunhill Fresh cologne by Alfred Dunhill, 3.4 oz Eau De Toilette Spray / 100 Ml. Basil, Freesia, Green Notes, Violet, Watery Floral, Orris, Cedarwood, Woody Leather Accord, Amber, Coumarin, Patchouli. |